A Tale of Secret Agents
by King Hawke
Summary: Two Secret Agents do their job, but they are not the...smartest agents in the agency.
1. Chapter 1

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Disclaimer: I own everything

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The scene opens on the top deck of a riverboat that is sailing down the Mississippi River. Around a small table sit two people. These mysterious figures are Secret Agent X and Secret Agent Falcon.

Agent X: What is your observation of the observed target, Agent Falcon?

Agent Falcon: *scribbling on a small notepad* He does not suspect, sir.

Agent X: Good. *pauses* Put that notebook away, Falcon! He might suspect!

Agent Falcon: But, is that good? *pushes glasses up on nose*

Agent X: Of course! We suspected him before he suspected us; therefore, we have the advantage. Understand?

Agent Falcon: No, sir. Do I need to understand?

Agent X: No, you nitwit! I am the leader. Okay?

Agent Falcon: Yes, sir. *salutes with left hand*

Agent X: Wrong hand! You salute with the other hand!

Agent Falcon: Sorry. *switches hands*

Agent X: Stop saluting. Others will suspect us!

Agent Falcon: *hand does not lower* Who?

Agent X: *frustrated* Others! Now stop saluting.

Agent Falcon: *salutes with left hand again* Sorry, sir.

Agent X: Stop saluting!

Agent Falcon*salutes with both hands*: I will never salute again!

Agent X: *warningly* Girl!

Agent Falcon: *puzzled* Girl? But my name is Falcon, is it not, Agent X?

Agent X: Do not call me an agent! Shush! *covers Falcon's mouth while glancing around* Do you want to be suspected?

Agent Falcon: *pushes away X's hand* But we suspected them first. So we have the advantage, right?

Agent X: Of course! *abruptly* Give me the gun. I am going to arrest the unsuspecting suspector.

Agent Falcon: But you said that you were going to bring it.

Agent X: *loudly* I never forget things. I cannot believe that you forgot the gun!

Agent Falcon: *puzzled* But you forgot it, sir.

Agent X: I cannot believe that _you_ forgot the gun! He is armed!

Agent Falcon: *giving up* I cannot believe it either, sir. I am sorry.

Agent X: So am I. But, no matter. We still have a secret weapon.

Agent Falcon: We do? Why was I not informed?

Agent X: If you were informed about it, it would not be a "secret" weapon, now would it? We have the nearly unstoppable clicky-finger!

Agent Falcon: Clicky-finger? What is that?

Agent X: Too many questions! Be quiet!

Agent Falcon: Sorry, sir.

Agent X: Stop apologizing! Do you want to be suspected?

Agent Falcon: *sees nobody on the deck* By _who_?

Agent X: *loudly* Shush!

Agent Falcon: Yes, sir.

Agent X: *shapes hand into a gun with the index finger as the nozzle* Click!

Agent Falcon: _That_ is the clicky finger?

Agent X: Of course! What else would it be?

Agent Falcon: But he has a real gun.

Agent X: Stop bothering me with unimportant details.

Agent Falcon: *slowly* Unimportant details? He will kill us!

Agent X: *thoughtfully* We will use the clicky-finger with the element of surprise. That always works.

Agent Falcon: He will shoot us! Besides, he suspects us!

Agent X: He does not suspect us yet. Would you be surprised and caught completely off guard if two people attacked you with clicky-fingers and we had real guns?

Agent Falcon: Surprised at them? Or surprised that we remembered our guns?

Agent X: The first, of course! We are no fools.

Agent Falcon: You could have fooled me.

Agent X: Where on earth is your self-confidence?

Agent Falcon: The same place as our gun. There he goes!

Agent X: Who is going?

Agent Falcon: The unsuspecting suspect who we have been observing.

Agent X: I knew that. I was merely testing you.

Agent Falcon: What is his name?

Agent X: Who?

Agent Falcon: The man we are following.

Agent X: Oh, yes. Him. *pauses* *loudly* You distracted me!

Agent Falcon: I distracted you? I just asked for the suspect's name.

Agent X: Yes, you distracted me. The name of the suspect is Blue Tom.

Agent Falcon: What is he wanted for?

Agent X: Illegally acting suspicious, wearing dark glasses, and selling popcorn.

Agent Falcon: *taking notes* Okay. What! Selling popcorn?

Agent X: Selling _caramel_ popcorn! Without a license! It is horrible.

Agent Falcon: *sarcastically* That explains a lot. *normally* But why is he carrying a gun?

Agent X: Because he knows he is guilty. Why else?

Agent Falcon: *pauses for several seconds and sits temporarily stunned* Wow. That almost makes sense. Are you feeling okay?

Agent X: *missing the sarcasm completely* Do not be concerned about me. I am immune to the toxic caramel popcorn.

Agent Falcon: I see. Wait! The popcorn is toxic?

Agent X: All caramel popcorn is toxic, _especially_ the caramel. Never forget that.

Agent Falcon: Oh, but when we arrest him, will he not recognize us?

Agent X: Take off your glasses and follow my lead.

The agents put their glasses on top of their heads. They feel their way blindly along the ship's railing. They stumble into Blue Tom.

Blue Tom: *steadies them* are you both alright?

Agent X: Of course. Have a good day! *backs away*

The agents attempt to slip away; but without their glasses, they are practically blind. Almost like bats. They both trip over their own feet and crash to the deck.

Blue Tom: *amused* You two need help.

Agent Falcon: He suspects us, sir!

Blue Tom: Suspects who? Who are you people?

Agent X: Falcon, it is no use. Let us take off our disguise.

They put their glasses on their faces.

Agent X: *rising from the ground with Falcon* Do not make any sudden moves, Tom, or we will be forced to unleash our ultra-lethal secret weapon.

Agent Falcon: It is ultra-lethal?

Agent X: *grimly* I once watched as an innocent man almost died when he was faced with it.

Agent Falcon: How?

Agent X: The man saw someone using it and he could not stop laughing. It almost killed him.

Agent Falcon: Blue Tom, I would obey Agent X if I were you. *whips out notepad* You are charged with illegally: acting suspicious, wearing dark glasses, and selling caramel popcorn. What do you have to say for yourself? *puts notepad away*

Blue Tom: You are agents? *Pulls out a hose nozzle* Freeze!

Agent X: What is that?

Blue Tom: It is a hose nozzle; and if you come any closer, I will turn it on!

Agent Falcon: *pales in fear* What should we do, sir?

Agent X: *Dramatically* Unfreeze and unleash the weapon. The safety of this country, and perhaps the world, depends on us.

Agent Falcon: *Cheerfully* Sir, the weapon is unleashed.

Blue Tom is stunned by the sheer stupidity of this situation, and is arrested while stunned.

Agent X: We are docking! Glasses off!

Agent Falcon: But how will we get him off the boat without being suspected by others? He might have a partner!

Agent X: I do not believe that he does have a partner. Besides, we are secret agents. Nobody will try to stop us.

Agent Falcon: *rolls eyes* _Bang_ goes our secret agent role!

Agent X: *calmly* We are protecting the country. We will get more assignments, just like we did after that last one that we messed up, I mean, completed.

Agent Falcon: *frantically* Not if everyone sees us taking him off the boat. The "secret" in "secret agent" will be gone for good! Now do you get it?

Agent X: *thoughtfully* You do have a point there. *turns to the fellow agent* Than what do _you_ suggest that we do to remove him from the ship?

Agent Falcon: Are you putting me in charge for this mission?

Agent X: Yes, but it is not a mission. It is not even a mini-mission. So do not let it go to your head! But do you have a plan without the whole 'bang goes our secret agent role' thing?

Agent Falcon: I suggest that we devise a plan that will allow us to take him off the boat without being seen. The secret plan will remove any possibility of us being seen or spotted by his possible partner.

Agent X: *glances at Blue Tom* We have to get him to the safe house without being seen, you know.

Agent Falcon: I know. *smiles mischievously* Wait until you hear my plan!

The details for the plan are carefully sketched out and prepared. Blue Tom shakes his head in disbelief as he overhears their plans. Unknown to the agents, Loren, Blue Tom's partner, is listening from the ladder leading up to the top deck.

Agent X: Yes, that should do it! Let us be off!

Agent Falcon: Yes, sir.

Loren: *walking onto the deck* Do any of you know where lunch will be served?

Agent X: *stares at Loren* Why, yes, I do know. It will be on the main deck in about…*glances at watch* fifteen minutes. Why do you ask?

Loren: Do you lift weights? You look so intelligent and strong. *she feels his arms while Blue Tom loosens his restraints*

Agent X: *flattered and not paying attention to the prisoner*

Agent Falcon: *sees what is happening and rolls eyes dramatically* Oh, brother!

Blue Tom: Hello, can I take you to lunch, Miss? You look like you could use some extra company.

Agent X: *between clenched teeth* Blue Tom, what do you think you are doing?

Blue Tom: Inviting her, because you are too slow to ask.

Agent Falcon: *quietly* Which is usually a good thing.

Agent X: Thank you, Tom. You seem like a nice person, for a villain.

Agent Falcon: *confused* He is?

Blue Tom: Miss…

Loren: My name is Loren. Loren Smith.

Blue Tom: Well, Miss Loren Smith, do I look like a villain to you?

Loren: No, you seem like such a nice man; but your deep voice is pretty intimidating.

Blue Tom: Sorry about my voice, but that comes with being the farm boy that I am. You develop that as you are raised on the farm.

Agent Falcon: *interrupting* Actually, Miss Smith, he is a dangerous man. Blue Tom is an evil villain.

Loren: Who is Blue Tom?

Agent X: This man is Blue Tom. Have you ever met him? Before now, I mean.

Loren: I met him once before, but I never got the chance to know him.

Agent Falcon: Good. Did he ever try to sell you any popcorn, by any chance?

Loren: Why would he sell me popcorn? He is a farmer.

Agent Falcon: How do you know he is a farmer?

Loren: He just said he is a farm boy. So, I suggest he is a farmer. Do you have any evidence that he sells popcorn?

Agent X: What do you mean?

Loren: Have you discovered any popcorn about his person?

Agent X: No.

Loren: Or any cases of popcorn to sell on this riverboat?

Agent X: Not that I am aware of. Why?

Loren: Can you prove that he is a popcorn salesman?

Agent X: Not with the current evidence, Miss Smith, but…

Loren: So, how can you say he is a criminal? You have no evidence to prove it.

Agent X: Falcon, did you bring the evidence?

Agent Falcon: You said to let you bring it this time.

Agent X: You forgot the gun _and_ the evidence? What kind of agent and partner are you?

Loren: You are both agents?

Blue Tom: Yes, they are. Unfortunately.

Agent Falcon: She suspects us, sir.

Agent X: Be calm. I will handle this.

Loren: If you have no evidence, how can you arrest him?

Agent Falcon: She has a point there.

Agent X: Shush! I am trying to think!

Agent Falcon: *mischievously* Does it hurt?

Agent X: *dryly* Very funny.

The two agents begin to argue. Blue Tom and Loren walk away.

Agent X: *glancing around* You let them get away!

Agent Falcon: _I_ let them get away?!

Agent X: Of course you did! I never make any mistakes.

Agent Falcon: At least _you_ think so.

Agent X: Think what?

Agent Falcon: *frustrated* Anything!

Agent X: I am the leader. I am paid to think!

Agent Falcon: Are you paid to let them get away?

Agent X: *warningly* Falcon!

Agent Falcon: *salutes* Sorry, sir.

Agent X: Stop saluting!

Agent Falcon: *drops the hand* Where did they go, sir?

Agent X: Follow me!

The two agents leave the dock where the ship is harbored. They spot the two criminals walking down the street into the town.

Agent Falcon: What do we do now?

Agent X: We follow them. What else would we do?

After several minutes, the villains realize that they are being followed.

Loren: Tom, run! We are being followed!

Blue Tom: Let's hide in there! Quickly!

The partners enter the building. They are quickly captured, by the secret agency. This house happens to be the safe house of the secret agents.

Agent X: Are they captured, sir?

Supervisor: Yes, X. We captured them. How did you lure them into the safe house?

Agent X: Well, sir. Due to great planning and preparation on _my_ part…

Agent Falcon: Oh, brother. Here we go again, like every single time!

Agent X: Not like last time. And I was about to mention your help…

The secret agents get promoted and the villains go to prison.

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	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer: I own everything.

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Two days later, the criminals escape and X and Falcon are sent to recapture them. They track the criminals to the small town of Eddy, North Dakota.

Loren: I love small towns! They are so quaint.

Blue Tom: Why are stopping here? The agents are tracking us!

Loren: Because I have a sister who will help us.

Blue Tom: What is she like and how can she help us?

Loren: She is very pretty and a genius. I just worry about her sanity sometimes.

Blue Tom: But why do you worry? Is she almost crazy?

Loren: You can never tell with her, considering how similar she is to me. She has supplies that she can give us.

Blue Tom: Like what, for example?

Loren: Food, water, shelter, and new costumes and disguises. She owns a costume shop, you know, and a factory. The store is only open to special customers or close relatives, like me.

Blue Tom: *shakes his head* I hope you know what you are doing. *uneasily* Define close relatives.

Loren: She is my twin. Her name is Gwen.

Blue Tom: Your twin? But, where is her house?

Loren: House? She does not live in a house.

Blue Tom: *confused* She doesn't?

Loren: No, she lives in a castle with a nearby mansion. There will be plenty of room for us to stay in.

Blue Tom: Where are there castles in North Dakota?

Loren: Very funny, Tom. It is just over this hill.

Blue Tom: Hill? This is not a hill. It is a bump in the road!

Loren: Well, in North Dakota, this is a hill. Come on!

Blue Tom: Coming if you are.

They travel to the castle and are given room to stay in.

Blue Tom: Thank you, Gwen, for the hospitality.

Gwen: No problem. Besides, I dislike secret agents. They are such stubborn brats. They think they are always right, and that they have authority over everyone. I would know.

Loren: She would. Trust me.

Blue Tom: Okay. Do you have any friends who visit you here in the castle that may cause us problems?

Gwen: Not really. Just one person. His name is Jason. He is my best friend, and maybe more someday. You never know. Anyways, Jason is very nice to those I help.

Blue Tom: *frowns* Interesting. What will he do if we are captured?

Gwen: He will help us. Jason is good like that.

Loren: Have I ever met him?

Gwen: No, but you have met our baby twin sisters. Nicole and Christine.

Jason: *enthusiastically* Hey, everyone! Am I late?

Blue Tom: No. You are just on time, I think.

Gwen: Hi, Jason! Thank you for bringing the girls with you. We should be expecting some undesired company of secret agents soon.

Jason: Do not worry! I will take care of it!

Gwen: Thank you, Jason.

Nicole: Hi, sissy!

Christine: We see you!

Gwen: *slightly annoyed* I know, sisters.

In the town, the agents are lost.

Agent X: Where are we? Show me the map!

Agent Falcon: What map?

Agent X: The one I told you to bring, maybe.

Agent Falcon: You told me not to bring it because you wanted to.

Agent X: I never forget things. You must have forgotten the map!

Agent Falcon: *groans* If you say so, sir. *salutes, hoping to change the subject*

Agent X: Stop saluting! Do you want the townspeople to suspect us?

Agent Falcon: There are no townspeople around here, sir. This is North Dakota. Nobody lives here.

Townspeople: *loudly* Yes we do!

Agent X: *pointedly*You were saying?

Agent Falcon: Sorry. My mistake. *salutes quickly*

Agent X: What did I say about saluting? Never salute!

Agent Falcon: *drops salute* Sorry, X.

Agent X: Thank you. For once you are not saluting.

Agent Falcon: What do we do now?

Agent X: We follow the road of course!

Agent Falcon: But the enemy will expect that. Won't they?

Agent X: Of course not. The enemy would expect us to know that the road would be watched; therefore, we would avoid the road. Because of that, the road will not be watched because they will be looking elsewhere. Reverse psychology! It works every time!

Agent Falcon: *confused* What?

Agent X: *satisfied* The plan makes perfect sense.

Agent Falcon: What do you mean? It makes _no_ sense at all!

Agent X: You do not have to understand. The enemy does. We take the road.

Agent Falcon: If you say so, Agent X.

Agent X: What did you call me?

Agent Falcon: I called you Agent X. That is your name, is it not?

Agent X: Yes, but never call me that in public. Others might suspect! Are we clear of the town yet?

Agent Falcon: Yes, sir.

Agent X: No we are not! We are not clear of this town yet because we are standing here talking! Let's go.

Agent Falcon: Okay.

The two agents walk up to the castle.

Agent X: Let us knock!

Agent Falcon: But, won't the enemy catch us? You know they are evil villains.

Agent X: Of course! Do I look stupid to you?

Agent Falcon: *hesitantly* Do you want an honest answer to that?

Agent X: If I did not want the answer, I would not have asked!

Agent Falcon: Yes, especially when you are angry. But, you did want an honest answer. So I hope you are not mad at me…

Agent X: How dare you insult me! I am your superior idiot, I mean, agent!

Agent Falcon: My superior idiot?

Agent X: Your superior agent! Remember that! Where are we?

Agent Falcon: North Dakota, where else?

Agent X: I knew that! I was just making sure that you knew it.

Agent Falcon: *sarcastic* Sure, Captain. *coughs*Loser.

Agent X: Do not give away my rank and do not insult me, because I am your superior agent. How many times do I have to say it?

Agent Falcon: Are you going to knock or not?

Agent X: Of course I am! *eyes the giant doors* Well, on second thought, these are very big doors and I doubt they will hear us knocking anyways. So let's not knock.

Agent Falcon: *mockingly* Are you a chicken?

Agent X: Never! In fact, I will knock right now, just to prove I am not a coward! *knocks on doors*

The doors slowly open to reveal all the villains wielding large hose nozzles.

Gwen: *commandingly* Who are you and what are you doing here? Loren, do we know these people? Jason, take the twins downstairs. Blue Tom, just stay put for now.

Nicole: You bad agents!

Christine: Yeah, leave our sissy alone!

Jason: Come on, twins. *leads them downstairs*

Loren: These are the agents that have been chasing us all over the country. All we are doing is selling popcorn on Tom's farm. Not anything bad.

Blue Tom: That is right. I am wanted for nothing! These guys are nutcases sent by nutcases!

Agent X: *with authority* You are breaking 12 laws in 3 states by illegally selling your caramel popcorn!

Agent Falcon: You guys are the nutcases! Hold on. *nervously* He is the nutcase, not you.

Agent X: *clenches teeth* What do you think you are saying?

Agent Falcon: They are holding us at nozzle point. What else can I say? *pulls out notepad to record X's response*

Agent X: These are the _enemy_! Put that notepad away!

Agent Falcon: Okay. Sorry, sir.

Gwen: *with authority* you are our prisoners. Give up now!

Agent X: I will never break! Falcon might, but I never will. It would be pointless to take me. Take Falcon and let me go and save yourselves some time and effort. It would be useless to try to turn me.

Agent Falcon: *indignantly* You are such a wimp! How dare you give me up like that! Without even a fight to save me!

Agent X: *matter-of-factly* Hardly giving you up, merely pointing out the best of the choices available.

Loren: *smiles evilly* Falcon seems upset. Falcon chooses what contest is given to decide who is on our side!

Agent Falcon: Agreed. Agent X vs. Blue Tom. Ties will be broken by rock/paper/scissors.

Agent X: *shocked* Me? Vs. Blue Tom? Are you insane? I will get creamed!

Agent Falcon: Whoever wins gets me on their side.

Blue Tom: *menacingly* Works for me. Loren?

Loren: Sure. Gwen?

Gwen: Absolutely! Katie?

Agent X: Who is that?

Agent Falcon: That would be me.

Agent X: Are you against me?

Agent Falcon: The contest will decide.

Agent X: *sarcastic* Great! Who wants to kill the X today? Thanks a lot!

Agent Falcon: No problem, _superior agent_.

Agent X: *glares* Some partner you turn out to be. I can't be a good secret agent without a partner.

Agent Falcon: So, you were just using me to be a secret agent? What am I to you? Chopped liver?

Agent X: No, merely liver, for being willing to join them.

Agent Falcon: *angry* What did you say?

Agent X: You heard me, _partner_.

Gwen: *worried* You should not have said that!

Blue Tom: Oh, this is going to be bad.

Loren: *backs away* Calm down, Katie!

Agent Falcon proceeds to choke Agent X, who is trying to escape her hold.

Agent Falcon: *angrily* *choking X* How did I get stuck with an idiot like you for a partner?

Agent X: *gasping* I…Don't…know! *passes out*

Agent Falcon: *releasing X* Help! Loren, Blue Tom, he passed out! I think he needs help!

Blue Tom: *uncertainly* Okay. *takes out a piece of caramel popcorn from pocket* *puts under X's nose* This should wake him up!

Agent X: *awakes* That stuff smells horrible! What are you trying to do? Kill me?

Loren: He is awake!

Agent Falcon: I noticed. Hey, X. Do you want to help me sell popcorn?

Agent X: Where am I? Who are you?

Agent Falcon: You were my partner. We sell popcorn across the country. This is North Dakota.

Agent X: As long as we do not sell that stuff!

Agents X and Falcon, now Katie Falcon and Justin X, sell popcorn. Without a license! But it is buttered because they both hate caramel popcorn despite this Author's love for it.

For the record, the people of North Dakota would like to point out that people do actually live there. They wanted you to know that.

**The End**


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